Chapter Five

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, ect., are the property of their respective owners.  The original characters and plot are the property of the author.  The author is no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise.  No copyright infringement is intended.

Warnings: Rated Mature for language, gore and adult situations.  Readers under the age of 18 are discouraged from reading.

Scars of Survival
Chapter Five

All men, even the most surly are influenced by affection.  ~  Samuel Taylor Coleridge

My ass hadn’t even hit the makeshift bed of sleeping bags and pillows before Daryl started the Spanish Inquisition, but I guess that was to be expected.  I knew he would, that just who Daryl was.  Didn’t mean I was any less fearful about showing him my face.  From what Merle had quickly and rather tactfully, for him, told me that Daryl had already seen my face in the dark, that in itself was enough to set him off and had to be carried out of the motor home.  It was broad daylight now. 

“You gonna tell me what happened?”  he asked, pacing back in forth in the four man tent that to me looked for like it could barely fit the Dixon boys, let alone me.

I almost giggled as I watched Merle’s eyes wandering to and fro exaggeratedly, keeping pace with his brothers body as he stalked back n’ forth like a caged animal.  The look on Daryl’s face however, had me thinking better of it.  He was already irritated now and I knew he was soon going to be pissed beyond all reason. 

“Do I really have to,”  At his intense glare, I quickly added.  “I mean, right now?” 

He growled in frustration, running a dirty hand over his equally filthy face, but he nodded in agreement.  Either way, I knew it wouldn’t do him for long and I would have to suck it up and tell him, eventually.  “Lemme see.”  He demanded ardently, his hang moving in a sweeping motion to gesture to my face.  “Got’a clean ‘em anyway.” 

Should have known I wouldn’t get away Scott free and I knew it had to be done. While Dale had briefly said that my face was healing nicely, the deep laceration that ran vertically along my cheekbone was still fairly raw and my bandages needed to stay dry and clean.  The way I had been blubberin’ like no other for the past half hour had them soggy and honestly the wound was starting to hurt. 

Feeling the sting of tears once more, I nodded. 

“Be back n’ a minute.”  He murmured before stalking away in a huff.  Unconsciously I blew out a breath of relief, not realizing that Merle was watchin’ me like a hawk. 

When I finally caught his stare it was my turn to huff as I barked out a “What?”

He just shook his head and clucked his tongue.  “Don’t do ’em that way, sugar’tits. Ya know he ain’t gonna care.”  He said with a gesture towards my face. 

“Really!”  I snapped, flailing my arms around in desperation. “And just how th’ fuck do ya know that?  Huh, Merle?”  I said jerking the discolored gauze that took up the entire left side of my face and pushed my ratty hair behind my ear.  “Tell me!  How’s he gonna look me now, at this!”

His eyes widened, probably bigger than I’d ever seen them as he took in the jagged scars that nearly cost me my left eye. “Shit.” he whispered reaching his hand out to run a finger along the thickest that ran vertically but not ever touching it.  

“Fuck, I didn’t-” He cut off as his eyes widened again and cut towards the opening of the tent.  I didn’t need the strangled gasp to know Daryl was already standing there, that he had heard my tirade and to know that he fully understood now.  It was the sudden heaviness in the air, it was damn near suffocating.  Like holding your breath as you wait for a explosion you know is coming. 

Footsteps pounding against dirty let me know that he had left in a stomp, and I knew what was coming next.  Cries of outrage and pain, stringed together in loud curses sounded in the distance along with the crashing sounds of things being kicked and turned over.  You could tell by the frightened gasps that came from different areas around camp that the other survivors were disturbed by Daryl’s outburst.  To be honest, so was I. 

With a growl Merle surged from his spot and darted out the door, yelling for his younger brother to control himself.  Scuffling and loud curses followed and I knew that they were fighting.  As much as I wanted for Daryl to have an outlet for his anger, and as much as Merle deserved for the years of bullshit he put Daryl and I through, right now they needed each other. 

I wasn’t worried about either one of them being seriously injured and this wasn’t the first time they’d fought in front of me.  It happened a lot when Merle was high and said something rude or just insultingly stupid and they never really hurt each other.  It was more like a safe way to quell both their short temper and I could imagine tempers ran higher than normal over the last three months.   

After telling myself not to cry again, which I did anyways I sat the remaining time chanting to myself that this was not Daryl rejecting me, this was not Daryl rejecting me.  It wasn’t.  Rationally, I knew this and had to repeat to myself many times that this was how the Dixon’s handled their shit. 

Merle did return a little later with a busted lip and his clothes all eschew and his answer was exactly what I suspected when I asked what had happened.

“Boy had to think some shit out.” 

While it sucked Daryl was off felling trees or whatever it was that he was doing to calm himself, I totally understood.  Dixon’s were never ones to deal with emotions well and believe it or not, Daryl’s temper was the hardest out of the Dixon family to control.  I also understood that in some fucked up way he probably blamed himself for what happened to me.  Daryl has always been an old fashion kinda guy in the respect of his belief that it was the mans job to take care of his woman, to protect her.  He probably felt like a failure, another thing in the grand scheme of things that Daryl didn’t handle well. 

And like Merle said, Daryl “Didn’t want ya t’ see ‘em all torn up.” Of course he didn’t want me to see what looking at my broken face did to him and honestly, I didn’t want to see it either.

It was after dark when Daryl ducked through the tent door again but he smiled almost immediately when he saw what Merle and I were up to.  Merle, bless his junky heart practically shoved a few pain pills in my, mouth when he realized the stitches on my side were bleeding again then told me to clean up.  And I did. I  took my whores bath in Dale’s R.V. and made friendly with some of the other campers before returning back to the tent with a deck of cards I pilfered and suggest a friendly came.  Yeah, that shit didn’t last long.  No sooner than it was out of my mouth Merle got that gleam in his eye and ran out of the tent, calling behind him that he’d be right back. 

Swaying slight and sitting Indian style in front of Merle and trying my hand at kicking his ass at poker probably wasn’t my best plan ever but I did feel a little better.  Daryl sat behind me, his knees cradling my sides as he pulled my back to his chest resting his chin on my shoulder to peek at my hand. He chuckled when he saw my three aces and kissed my cheek.  The odds were definitely in my favor.  “Call.”  I slurred, lifting a brow and trying to see through Merle’s perfectly placed poker face. Even though at the time I was up about a hundred dollars and inebriated, I still should have known better than to go up against a shark like Merle. 

I was doomed to failure from the start. 

Merle’s face scrunched up as if in deep concentration as he took a pull from the fifth of Turkey we’d been sippin’ on since our game started.  Never in a millions years would I have thought I’d be lubed up on pain killers and alcohol, giving both of parents seed pasts with drug abuse but I figured that we were in the middle of an apocalypse, I hurt all over, I had been recently banned from doing anything strenuous and for the first time in months I felt safe enough to really let my guard down. 

“Lay down,”  Merle replied a moment later with a husky voice and an amused twinkle in his eyes.  I distinctly heard Daryl growl from behind me and I elbowed him in the chest for being a jealous pig.  For fucks sake, this was Merle Dixon not Norman Reedus.

“Three aces,”  I announced happily, slapping my cards out in front of me with a smug smile.  Merle’s face fell, making me smile all the more as Daryl snorted from behind me and told me not to go getting ahead of myself.  But I just couldn’t help it, playing any kind of competitive game with a Dixon was always a challenge, a rush and winning was even better. 

Thick fingers began revealing his cards, moving with a deliberate slowness as he snapped each card on the wooden piece of plywood we were using as a table, causing my heart thundered with ever ‘snick’ of the slickly-laminated cardboard. 

My eyes widened as each of the largely depicted characters came into blurry focus.  Ten of hearts. Jack of hearts. Queen of hearts.  Ace of hearts. 

“Awe, Poor Merle.  You just missed a royal flush.”  I said sarcastically reveling in Daryl’s snickering as I soundly beat the my rival.

Or so I thought…

“Now wait jus a minute, sugar’tits.”  Merle replied chuckling as he tossed the last card out onto the floor at my knees.  The King of fuckin’ hearts.  A royal flush. 

“Fuck!”  I cried, throwing my hands in the air, nearly smacking Daryl upside the head as I flailed around like the drunkard I was, crying out injustices.  Merle bellowed loudly to himself and dramatically scooped all of his winnings, which were only penny’s Merle had collected off the floorboards in Daryl’s truck, into the ever growing pile by his stash of pills.

Daryl was laughing hard behind me, trying not to make a sound but the shaking of his shoulder kind of gave his redneck ass away.  I elbowed him again.  “Hey, yer supposed to be on my side.  He only laughed harder, falling over to his side and taking me with him. 

“Quit yer cry-assin’, woman.”  Daryl said a few minutes later when I was still absorbed in my own mind, thinking of ways to get back at Merle.  “He beat ya fair n’ square.”

“Say’s you.”  I replied spitefully, nudging him in the shoulder as I continued to pout.  “How do I know that? You two were probably in it together.”

He snorted.  “Ya know I ain’t no cheater.” 

Yes, that may be but I was drunk and didn’t care at the moment.  I had been living like a man the last three months.  Wiping my ass with leaves and bathing in creeks and under waterfalls.  So for the night, I allowed myself to be what I was, a woman.

A loud yawn sent Daryl into another fit of chuckle.  “How ya expect me t’ marry ya when ya can’t even hold yer drink.  Yer a Dixon woman, suck it up.”  His playful teasing was very Daryl and very expected, however what was not expected was when it was Merle who came to my defense.

“Shut up, piss-ant.  The shit I got ‘er hyped up on would bring an elephant down.” 

Daryl scoffed when I yawned again.  “Sleepy?”  He asked, pulling me closer too him despite the fact it was boiling inside already.

I nodded, fighting back yet another yawn.

It was getting late and I was sandwiched between two sweltering, smelly bodies, again, something I never thought I’d be doing three months ago but both men were adamant about it.  Safety in numbers, I supposed.  It was either that or then didn’t trust in my ability to act fast enough should we get attacked.  I bit my lip on the subject and let the boys have their way, it wouldn’t do much good to argue and those pills Merle gave me had me lying limp like a bonefish anyways. I guess the end of the world was just like huntin’ camp, stinky men, cramped quarters and predators.  Only instead of worrying about bears or cougars it was flesh eating zombies that kept you up at night. 

About thirty minutes after we had laid down to sleep, one of Merle’s massive legs flew over mine, nearly crushing me beneath it.  “God, Merle!  Move yer fat ass over!”  I grunted, shoving him over roughly as I could.  He didn’t budge.

Merle snorted, moving over just a little and asked. “Have ya always been this much o’ a bitch?”

My answer was immediate and very slurred.  “Yep.”  

Daryl and Merle chuckle as I yawn.  “G’night Merle. G’night Darlina.” 

“Shut up, woman.”  Daryl grunted but Merle is bellowing and shaking the whole damn tent with his laughter.  We even heard a few ‘Shut up’s’ coming from different area’s of the woods and of course that made Merle and I laugh harder as Daryl stuck his head out of the tent and yelled.  “Fuck you!”

“See brother,”  Merle snickered when everyone had calmed down.  “I always told ya she was a mouthy bitch.”

~

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.  ~  Rose Franken


The next morning I woke up to the most foul smell I had encountered in a good long while.  It took less than a minute for me to realize what it was and by that time I was already untangling myself from Daryl and booking for the zipper of the tent, making sure I kicked Merle hard on my way out.

As soon as the door was open, I threw my upper body out, not giving a care if I was nude sitting on the White House lawn.  It was awful.  Laying on my back, my legs still inside the tent, I took a deep pull of the crisp morning air and praying to all that was Holy that the smell inside didn’t linger. 

I heard movement in the tent before a rough but warm hand encircles my ankle before Daryl’s sleepy voice.  “Babe?”  he questions and I can tell he’s disoriented and probably wondering why I was laying half outside.  “What are ya-  Awe, fuckin’ hell!”  he wails and Merle starts to laugh.  Ass-hat.

Next thing I know, Daryl’s hovering above me with a sleepy scowl.  “Fuckin’ bastard, see wha’ I’ve had’ta live with?” 

“Awe, poor baby,”  I coo, leaning up to plant a kiss at his jaw.  “Want mama to make it better?” 

He smirks then, leaning down to capture my lips.  The kiss is not an overly sexual one but it sure as hell didn’t lack any heat, that was until I started giggling. 

Pulling away he looks down at me, confused.  Still catching my breath, I fill him in.  “Maybe we can bottle the smell, use it for walker repellant or somethin’.  There’s no way they’d think we were fresh if they got’a whiff o’ that.” 

He growled playfully, burying his face and my shoulder and nipping lightly.  “Love the way you think.” 

I can hear more shuffling and Merle grunting.  “Ya’know I can hear ya’ll.”  He gripes and shuffles some more, probably turning over. 

“That’s kinda the point!”  We both yell, then laugh as Merle mocks us in a high pitched voice. 

Daryl kissed me again, laughing against my lips as Merle continued to mock us from inside and tease Daryl about how nice my ass was.  The kiss was slow and savoring but was quickly bordering as inappropriate in such a public venue. 

Someone cleared their throat about the time a large shadow fell over us and Daryl and I looked up.  “Can I help you, Officer Walsh?” 

With a scowl and frown he informed, none to politely that it was time for Merle to get his ass up if he was going with the others to Atlanta.  I didn’t like it anymore than Daryl did but what could we do, he was a grown man and more stubborn than any mule. 

Even worse though was when Daryl told me he was going hunting and wouldn’t be back till morning.  I begged him to stay, trying to bribe him with alone time but he was adamant about getting more meat on my bone.  Guess I hadn’t realized how much weight I’d lost since the start of the end of the world. 

~

Grief is the price we pay for love ~ Queen Elizabeth ll


It was sometime around three or so and I had taken to stringing up tin cans with a really nice man name Jim.  Every one was doing something, Lori and Shane were sitting around the fire with Carl.  Shane cleaning his pump shotgun and Lori was cutting her sons hair.  Morales kids were playing tag with Carol and Ed’s daughter Sophia when the man I had been introduced to as Dale stood up off the top of the R.V. looking worried.  I thought I was just going crazy when I heard the car alarm, I guess I wasn’t the only one. 

Shane jumped up immediately.  “Talk to me Dale.” 

Everyone panicked all at once, myself included as I jumped to my own feet and looked to Dale for any sign of trouble.

“Can’t tell yet.”  He said, looking out to the road below with a set of binoculars. 

Andrea’s sister, an almost identical copy of her sister, looked frantic as she strutted up to the motor home.  “Is it them? Are they back?”

“I’ll be damned,”  he muttered under his breath, which had me looking just as confused as the others. 

“What is it?” 

“Stolen car would be my guess.”  He replied looking out with disbelief.

The only thing I could think at the time was who would be stupid enough to bring so much noise back to camp.  Then of course my self preservation instincts kicked into high gear and I drew the pistol Merle leant me from my side holster. This might not be one of ours and they might not be friendly.

Everyone stood with wide eyes as we watched the red Dodge charger speed into camp with Asian kid behind the wheel, I think his name is Glenn.  I was still a little goofed up this morning when Shane made the introductions.

“Holy crap, turn that damn thing off!”  Dale yelled coming forward as the rest of the group surrounded Glenn.  Shane was demanding for him to pop the hood while Amy grilled the kid about her sister.  It was a blur of noises and screaming and I just wanted was to go hide under a rock.  Should have went with Daryl this morning. 

Finally, Jim pulled the plug on the alarm and most went quiet, well except for Amy who was still demanding to know if her sister was safe and asking why she wasn’t with him.  I understood what it was like to worry for someone you care about, but it was obvious that it wasn’t just her sister missing. 

Guess I was never one of those girls who couldn’t keep their mouths shut long enough to hear an explanation. 

It took a few minutes but after everyone was settled the white Fernec truck they had been using for supply runs pulled up and I breathed a sigh of relief. 

The sisters shared a tear filled and huggy reunion as the others started pilling out of the truck.  There was just one problem, I didn’t see Merle. 

I heard Morales say something about a new guy and all of a sudden Carl takes off running screaming “DAD!”  That confused me a little bit, I thought his father died in a hospital in some small town west of here, but what really ruffled my feathers and sent a nasty tingle down my side was the look on Shane’s face.  While he looked happy to see this man, he also looked incredibly guilty.  Not to mention Daryl had mentioned something about Shane and Lori having a relationship, or at least they fucked in the woods a lot.

At least someone’s getting it. 

As the others embraced their returning family members my blood started to run cold.  “Excuse me,”  I asked lightly, turning first to Glenn then spanning my gaze out to the rest of the returned volunteers.  “Where’s Merle.” 

“Huh,”  Glenn says scratching his head.  “There was an accident.” 

I didn’t say another word to anyone as I went back to our tent to shed tears.  I needed time.  I needed space.  I would ask later what happened. 

~ 

Later that night, after dinner was served we all sat quietly around the fire as Rick told his story of waking up from a coma in a walker infested hospital.

“Disoriented.  I guess that comes closest. Disoriented.”  He paused, hugging his son and wife closer.  “Fear, confusion, all those things.  But disoriented comes closest.” 

Dale muttered something quietly to himself about things falling short.

“I felt like I’d been ripped outta my life and for awhile I felt like I was… trapped, in some coma dream… 

I drifted off after that, not really paying attention to anybody.  I just watched the flames flicker, scooting closer to feel the warmth on my hands.  I tried not to think about Merle and how heart broken Daryl was going to be when he found out Merle was gone. 

Flaming embers flashing before my eyes snapped me out of it, as they singed my hair and licked at my face. Ed, Carol’s douche bag of a husband stood there not giving a shit if he burnt his daughters face off as he unceremoniously tossed another log onto his fire.

“Hey Ed, wanna rethink that log.”  Shane called next to me. 

Ed just sat his fat, lazy ass down and throwing his arms up over the back of his lawn chair.  “It’s cold man.”  Was his only reply.

If there was anyone I despised more in this group of rag-tag survivors it was Ed Peletier.  He was a chauvinistic pig of proportions I didn’t even know existed anymore.  He treated his wife and daughter like his personal slaves and I was pretty damn sure he was beating the shit out of both of them on a  daily bases.  Not even Merle treated a woman like that. 

Shane sighed, “Cold don’t change the rules does it?” For the first time since meeting the man, I felt sorry for him. It was obvious from the jump that having to tell Ed anything was like talking to a brick wall.  “We keep our fires low so they can’t be seen from a distance, right?”

“I said it’s cold.”  Ed interrupted, turning his head so he wouldn’t have to look Shane in the eye.  What a fuckin’ pussy.  I bet he was one of those asshole who beat on his woman ‘cause the fat prick could never go toe-to-toe with a real man.  “Why don’t ya mind ya own business for once.” 

My eyes darted across the fire to glare at the tub of jerk and then back to Shane who I could tell was fast losing his temper.  Not a second later, Shane jumped to his feet and as much as I disliked him in general, that man was like a fuckin’ furnace and I felt the difference as soon as he left. 

T-dog covered the bruises on his face, something I had yet to ask him about, like he was remembering a particularly bad ass-beaten himself as Shane stalked across the circle of people to where Ed sat.  Glenn looked like he wanted a bowl of popcorn, Rick and Lori just smiled to each other and Dale shook his head. 

Looking down at Ed he said something to low for my ears to pick up, but Ed looked across the fire to Carol and not a second later she was pulling the smoldering log out herself.  When she bent to retrieve it I noticed a rather nasty bruise starting at the base of her hip and I winced as I imagined how she got it. 

Everyone turned away disgusted with the way he acted as Shane told her to drop it kicked out the fire still burning with the heel of his boot.

Just as Shane returned Dale spoke up and immediately grabbed my attention.  “Have you given any thought to Daryl Dixon. He won’t be happy when he hears his brother was left behind.” 

“What do you mean, left behind?”  I snapped, making T-dog wince next to me and it finally dawned on me how he ended up with that nasty fat lip. 

He didn’t answer but he didn’t have to either.  “I’ll tell him. I dropped the key, it’s on me.” 

“Key?”  I asked, standing up and looking down my nose at him.  He nodded and Rick filled me in on how Merle went crazy on the rooftop of a department store and had to be restrained then handcuffed to a pipe on the roof.  He was left there as geeks continued to attack the building.

As T-dog and Glenn continued to argue over who was gonna be the biggest martyr, Glenn spoke up.  “Guys, this isn’t a competition and I don’t mean to bring race into this but maybe it would be better if it came from a white guy.”

I scoffed, turning my head towards the fire.  “Just because Merle’s a raciest bastard doesn’t mean Daryl is.  It isn’t goin’ to matter who tells him. He’s still gonna be just as pissed.”

T-dog raised his head proudly, “I did what I did.  Ain’t gonna hide from it.” 

“We could lie.”  Amy offered.  My head snapped in her direction. 

“No you won’t.  He deserves to know the truth about his brother.” 

“She’s right.”  Andrea agreed.  “We tell him the truth.  Merle was out of control and nearly got us all killed.  If it’s anyone’s fault that Merle got left behind, it’s Merle.”

Dale looked shaken up by the idea.  “And this is what we tell Daryl. Word to the wise but where gonna have our hands full when he gets back from his hunt.”

“Maybe she should tell him.”  Andrea said pointing to me.  “I mean she knows the Dixon’s right?” 

“She has a name and it’s Lillian. Don’t be fuckin’ rude and don’t be a coward.  Whether Merle was wrong or right, he still a human fuckin’ being that you left to die on a rooftop.  Now you’re have a discussion about how you’re gonna sugarcoat that to my fiancé and you expect me to help you.  Fuckin’ cowards.”

Andrea stood up, getting right in my face as she spat.  “The Dixon’s have been nothing but trouble and I’m pretty sure everyone agrees with me that Merle Dixon will not be missed.”

Growling, I stepped directly into the firelight so as to make sure she got a good look a my face as I pulled the knife from my sheath.  “Unless ya want yer face to look just like mine, I suggest ya sit down and shut yer fuckin’ mouth, blondie.” 

She went to say something else but Rick stood up and declared that enough was enough.  Sneering at all of them, I spit in the fire and returned to my tent.  I had nothing left to say to the lot of them.